Okay :)

I really should stop taking shit from people, i mean seriously start standing on my own fucking feet! i HATE being pushed around and looking foolish! Stop taking shit Becky... i hate this... i really am happier at this moment in time then i have ever been before, but there is just sometimes that i hate... i mean just something that i cant put my finger on but when i think of it it leaves my empty and feeling sick. Nessa has moved on, found her own two feet, i am so proud of you babe i say keep up the good work. Kim has finally got the boy she wanted. Then there is me. Feeling trapped. Its so bad really, really bad i mean i don't know how much longer i can smile and pretend everything is fine. My eyes laugh and i cant lie. Everything is fine, the only place i feel safe is in someones arms... i don't want to become totally independent on him, not just yet and everything makes me uncomfortable it's shit. I feel the days are slipping through my grasp and i have nothing to show for it. I need qualifications to move on... but to where??! I don't see me in the future and never really have. Am i falling in to a mini form of depression or stress? i cant find anything enjoyable because it doesn't feel real! My mom says that she will always be there for me no matter what, i try and tell her but she brushes it off 'hormonal' quote! i feel i am also losing my friends and that is the biggest worry of all... in a desperate attempt to be the person i used to be, i am having a party, well my mom is and i can have 2 friends... my best friends! Kim and Nessa you are invited to mine (to sleep) on Friday 22nd may... i will give better details closer to the date. I just feel mean like i am hurting people and don't even know it... the dreams are getting worse to, sleepless nights due to the harsh truth! Despite all this i really am OKAY, happy even, i just want things to fall into place (i want don't get!!) i need to wait for my chance... it will come. :)

So this is where it ends me almost asleep again seriously shocking tut tut Becky WAKE UP!! see you next time i have a spare minute in this new busy schedule :) x